For those who are in their middle years, there is nothing so life changing as finding yourself with the responsibility of taking care of your aging parent (or the aging parent of your spouse or partner). Your life changes because 1) you have additional care-taking responsibilities which must fit in and be balanced with your regular life, and 2) you embark on an emotional journey of redefining a relationship with someone of such magnitude (whether good or bad) in your life, and of letting go. It is truly life changing. Perhaps one of the first things that hits your awareness is that this is not the same mom or dad that you have always known.The first time you interact with your mom, and it’s not your mom, it is more than disconcerting. Whether the change in your parent is mental, physical, or emotional, and whether it is a positive change or a negative change, you are dealing with a juxtaposition of the person who have always known and the person you are with now. This is something you have to work through. It will dawn on you that the roles you two have previously taken and have been used to have changed. It can be difficult—for you and for them. Parents are the ones who have taken care of YOU! Now, you’re taking care of them.Defining new roles is also something you have to work through. Perhaps one of the most difficult tasks you will undertake—whether you do so intentionally or not—is to revisit the past. You will revisit their past and yours. You will remember things you do that hurt your parent and feel overwhelming remorse. Or they may feel remorse over their behavior towards you. “Old stuff”gets pulled up and brought to the surface. Suddenly you may feel like you’re a teenager again. Even if the “old stuff” is good and filled with fond memories,it can be emotionally wrenching. Revisiting the past, however, allows miracles to enter in. Forgiveness will come. Once you work through this, you will find the sweetness. (This is a particularly hard step if your parent was not there for you, or abused or neglected you.) Sometimes that takes hard work and time, butit is more than worth it. Of tremendous importance to YOU, the care-taker, is to take care of yourself! The physical demands of care-taking leave you exhausted and with no time foryourself. The emotional demands can leave you exhausted and upset as well. It is OK to ask for help. You are not neglecting your parent by taking care of you too. There are different ways you can take care of yourself, and hiring a coach is one of them. Coaching can help you work through those stages you are going through, discover the legacy your parent is leaving,and help you embrace sweet memories as you let go. From personal experience, and In peace and love, Dr. Anita V. All writings here are copyrighted by SmartMoments®and/or Dr. Anita V. You may not use them without written permission; however,you may link to the posts or give out a link to the posts. |
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